Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Semen is not good for contacts.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
my liver is dry heaving
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
