If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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