Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'm always down for nudity.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
