Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
