One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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