oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
