Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
