Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
