I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
