I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
