Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
