You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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