**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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