literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize