My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
