never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Say something about gay babies.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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