The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
