I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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