Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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