I'm going to jail i love you
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
