Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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