i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
