dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
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