So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
time to smoke my breakfast
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
