If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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