my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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