Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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