I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
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If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
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You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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