My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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