i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
i out mim tonsoeep
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