Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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