FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
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