I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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