Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
