Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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