How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Randomize
