I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
