You made me cry and you don't even care
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
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I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
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Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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