In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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