So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
