Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
