Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
