I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Randomize
