im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
