smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
