I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
