She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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