why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
