new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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