Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
