am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
