I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
