I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Randomize
