It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
In America we eat man semen.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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