i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
