Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
