Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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