I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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