There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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