You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
